The Beard received one final challenge on the night before its demise. It was a challenge so huge, so incredible, that I couldn’t resist it. A weight of epic proportions. And so, without further ado, I present my heaviest, cruellest weight ever:

Jen Tosti's PhD Dissertation!

A fitting end to an incredible saga! Good luck, Jen! You’ll have to carry it the rest of the way!

Well, we’re wrapping everything up here at Beard Central, but before we go, we’ve got a bunch of important items to discuss:

What’s next for the beard?

That’s up to you! I’ve fired up an eBay auction, and the highest bidder can make me do whatever he or she wants: shave it, color it, of hack off bizarre tufts! But do it now, because the bidding ends at 20:44:23 PDT tonight!

Say Goodbye to The Beard with Free Pizza!

I know a lot of people want to say goodbye one last time, so come on out to Hamilton’s at Devon and Broadway this Saturday at 3pm for free pizza and a viewing of Katelyn’s Beardumentary. Just drop a comment below to RSVP and we can laugh and cry together as we bring the weirdest couple of months of my life to a close.

Most Importantly: THANKS!

Hopefully you’ll let me thank you in person on Saturday, but if not, thanks to everyone who donated, sent well-wishes, told their friends, or just read along and laughed. This stupid idea has generated over $6,000 and some really great press for a really great organization. On behalf of Off the Street Club, Kay, Will, Katelyn, and everyone else who helped out: thank you, thank you, thank you!

HOLY COW! THE BEARD HELD STRONG!

I’m still in awe of Casey Cancilla’s bravery, the generosity of the last-minute donors (especially you, Anna Z.!), and the sheer number of people who showed up to witness the end of the weirdest 8 weeks of my life. Not only that, but people stuffed $236 dollars in my little collection can at Emmit’s Pub! Thank you Chicago, and thank you Andrew Huff and GapersBlock.com for making the finale an evening we’ll never forget!

Our video camera flipped out, so if you took any video on your phone or camera, please send it in! Thanks!

YOU DID IT!

You CRUSHED our goal twelve hours early with a mind-blowing $5,130! So, as promised, I am going to lift this young man with my beard this Friday:

Best of all, YOU CAN SEE IT LIVE! That’s right: Chicago’s own Gapers Block will be sponsoring my very last lift this Friday at Emmit’s Pub as part of their monthly get-together. Be there at 8pm to witness the end of an era. And by era I mean beard. And by end I mean the horrific tearing of hair from face. HOORAY!

On behalf of Off the Street Club, Kay Daly, Will Kelly, and myself: thanks so much to all who donated! You folks are amazing. Come on out and see the terrible fruit of your labor!

YEE-OUCH! You knew this day might come: The Beard FAILED today’s lift! The bracket actually folded in half, tearing out a giant patch of beard in the process! OH NOES!

But did The Beard quit? No! I took a deep breath, shuffled the chains a bit, straightened out the bracket, cinched the winguts as tight as I could, and…

SUCCESS!

Thanks to the Greater Chicago Chapter of Friends of The Beard for coming out, Jackie and Brian from Metromix and Katelyn and Morgan for filming The Beard in its darkest and proudest hour, and Matthew from Wild Dogz for hosting this spectacular event! I’ll upload pics and video this weekend, but you’ll be able to gather the family ’round the glowbox to see the lift on Metromix next Thursday to witness the pain in the comfort of your own home!

One final note: I don’t think I have two more lifts in me, so if you were waiting for the golden moment to donate, NOW IS THE TIME! Let’s hit that $5,000 and put this baby to bed!

Ever wonder how I attach all these heavy objects to my beard? Official Beardumentarian Katelyn Bogucki put together this short piece documenting its evolution. The More You Know!

Yikes! This one hurt: tonight I lifted at Baking for the Taking, official cupcake sponsor of The Beard. Marisa and Leslie pulled out a giant steel mixing bowl and 2 paddles weighing a total of 40 pounds for me, and The Beard was up to the challenge– for 5 seconds, anyway!

UPDATE: The painful video!

Can’t stand watching these anymore? Donate today so we can put this baby to bed!

Hey, radio-lovers! Thanks for listening to me on The Roe Conn Show! In case I totally blew the interview, here’s what I’m doing: I’m lifting heavy objects with my beard every Friday, and the more money we raise for Chicago’s Off the Street Club, the heavier that item will be! I’ve lifted toys, trophies, lead weights, and a mountain bike, and I won’t stop until we raise $5,000 for the kids of West Garfield Park! Want to help– or just see my beard and my face violently separated? Here’s how:

– MAKE A DONATION: First and foremost, your tax-free donations to Chicago’s oldest boys and girls club is what this is all about. Any donation is appreciated, but the more you give, the more I’ll lift!

– HAVE CUPCAKES DELIVERED TO YOUR HOME OR OFFICE: Baking for The Taking is a special friend of the beard and will deliver a dozen of them anywhere in Chicago for just $25– and they’ll donate $10 of that directly to Off the Street Club! It’s a delicious way to donate!

– SEE IT LIVE: I’m going to lift at 40 POUND GYRO CONE at Wild Dogz Restaurant in Evanston at 1pm Friday, March 20th! Be there live for a once-in-a-lifetime chance to see something really, truly horrible happen when a man pits moustache versus meat in an incredible feat of strength!

– TAKE A PICTURE: Finally, if you’re completely broke (and in this economy, who isn’t?), you can still help! Just download this beard, cut it out, put it on, and upload a picture to Facebook! I’m donating a dollar for every person who proves what his or her beard can lift to get the word out, and it won’t cost you a dime!

Thanks again to The Roe Conn Show for putting me on the air, and thank YOU for visiting!

UPDATE: Video of the lift!

You heard right! My fifth lift will be at Baking for the Taking HQ, where I’m going to lift 37 pounds of… something. Bags of flour? Rolling pins? A Cuisinart? Who knows? Post your suggestions in the comments!

This robot triceratops is 37 pounds of awesome.

(Found by brecht, friend of Torrez.)