Things My Beard Can Lift

For weeks, I’ve been grooming, conditioning, stretching, and toning, and now my beard’s finally become the talk of the town. But it needed purpose, direction– a mission— and now it’s got one: lifting heavy objects. Heavy objects and the human spirit.

What kinds of objects? All kinds of objects. I’ve warmed up with birdhouses, lamps, and plastic plants. I’ve trained with globes and framed pictures of Tom Selleck. But from here on out, it’s up to you: please click here to donate to Chicago’s Off the Street Club. Every Wednesday, I’ll announce the total amount donated, every Thursday you’ll make your suggestions, and every Friday, my beard will lift one pound for every hundred dollars raised.

So if we raise $100, that’s a one-pound object: a box of butter, perhaps. If we raise $500, that’s a chihuahua or a battery for a 2002 KTM EXC Racing Four Stroke. At $1,000, we’re talking real hair-pullers: perhaps five baseball bats, or a medium-sized bowling ball. Or a baby.

Let’s put my beard to the test! Let’s see what Things My Beard Can Lift: donate today!